Dare to Care – About You
Since I recently re-evaluated my lifestyle and came to the conclusion I was once again pushing myself too hard, I wanted to open a discussion on this topic with all of you. I’d love to hear your comments about this post, because my vision for this blog is to make it more and more interactive. This can become a place where there’s a sense of community, of healing, and of a collective sigh of relief in the midst of the craziness of regular life. Which brings me to my topic…
How are you living your life? Are you too busy? Are you overbooked? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you always tired?
I want to know what’s going on with you personally, so that we can all have a discussion about this for the next month or so. I’ve got a bee in my bonnet regarding this topic, because I think our culture supports the message that doing, doing, doing is somehow GOOD. We’re overbooked, tired, and not taking care of ourselves, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
I spend a lot of time giving my clients permission to do things like rest, say no to requests for their time/effort, and dial down the intensity of their lives. I am glad to be a role model for this way of living- one that values being, resting, and listening to my Essential Self (don’t worry, I’ll be talking at great length about the Essential Self in a few weeks, so you’ll have some more tools to really tap into this intuitive inner self). As a coach, I choose to be authentic, living what I preach. It keeps me honest, and I like it. I like living my life at a pace that feels good to me. I like not letting our culture dictate my lifestyle. I like going against the flow, the madness, and letting myself live with room to breathe in every single day.
My Social Self – the part of my psyche that wants me to fit in within my culture – gives me messages daily about how much work I should do, why I should not rest, why I need to be busier, etc. For me, just knowing that I have a Social Self (want to know more about your Social Self? Read Following Your Own North Star by Martha Beck) helps me to make choices that directly oppose its opinion. Sure, my Social Self thinks I should work constantly and tell everyone how busy I am. Then she feels really awesome, like she’s successful and everyone will approve of her. My Essential Self, on the other hand, would really prefer to go do absolutely nothing on a Friday afternoon, take naps, and go meander among the fall leaves before the snow comes. She doesn’t give a hoot what anyone thinks of this plan.
So, guess what? My Essential Self wins. I’m starting a crusade, right now. If you want to join me, I’d love it. Let’s take a journey toward saying no to our Social Selves and yes to our Essential Selves, more and more and more. I’ll promise to listen to my Essential Self, tell you all about it, and be the constant role model of an un-busy, sometimes even un-productive (gasp!), life, if you’ll share a little bit about your endeavors to do the same.
It’s time to take care of ourselves in a new and different way. It’s time to give ourselves the gift of less rather than more. What can you subtract from your day, today, to give yourself some do-nothing minutes? Do it, and then give yourself permission to truly do NOTHING, for five minutes, guilt-free. Then, go crazy and give yourself five minutes (or more!) to do something totally silly that you really love. Anything at all.
If you want great health, taking care of yourself is not optional. I would even venture to say that illness is the teacher who forces you to learn this lesson. I plan to expound on this topic some more in the following weeks, because I meet so many women each week who don’t value themselves unless they’re working themselves into the ground. I beg to differ. You are all valuable, worthwhile human beings, even when you’re lying on the couch, imitating a vegetable.
I refuse to say I’m busy. I’m done with that way of living. I am not busy. I work, I play, I rest, I do nothing, I breathe, I spend time with friends and family. I live. I take care of myself. I am worth it.
Talk to me, ladies. Tell me how you’re living your life. If you’re taking the time to care for yourself, how are you doing it? If you aren’t, why not? Let’s chat!
Posted on October 8, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Categories: Feel Confident and Love Yourself, Relieve your Pain & Stress
Tags: Chronic Pain, essential self, healing, Interstitial Cystitis, Martha Beck, Vulvodynia
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Hi Abigail,
I couldn’t agree more with this. And I read a book awhile back called “Seven Sins for a Life Worth Living,” by Roger Housden, and which I would recommend on this topic.
For years I’ve forced myself to slow down and while lately I’m not always that successful at it, I do tend to take much better care of myself and my health thanks me for it.
It’s especially crucial during difficult and painful times to heed the body’s signals and rest more, avoid stress, etc. It’s not always easy, I admit. Part of me has felt obligated to “do” even when I know I should be doing less, largely to make up for feeling a bit useless when I’m under the weather but no one else really understands why (the condition is invisible, after all). I would guess that’s the social self talking and not the essential self! I am learning that sometimes just “being” is enough.
Great post again. I’m looking forward to the next.
Gail! Thanks for starting the conversation! I love it! I am a total book nut, so how great that you’ve given me a new title to read. I’m so excited to talk about this topic and have a lot to say over the next few weeks about slowing down – I think it can be hard to do and I plan to share some tools.
Yes – your social self is the part of you that tells you you’re obligated to do something or “should” do it so that you won’t be “useless.” She can be so nasty!
When you slow down, what do you like to do that is not productive in any way whatsoever?
I am stressed. I feel guilty for not getting enough done, definitely. I feel guilty for spending too much time on the internet, following the little web directories. I’m far too curious for my own good & my internet addiction eats up far more of my free time than I’d like it to.
Why am I stressed? I’ve just started a postgraduate course, which should be one seminar a week but of course I’m taking two (to get my money’s worth). I’m also working 2 and a half days a week at my university job centre, and trying to find somewhere else to live because I don’t feel happy in my present house.
Besides that, I feel like hundreds of tiny little things keep happening to me to tell me that the world does not approve of me, does not want to help me. My condition underlies it all, and it is not feeling too great at the moment. Right now I am denying it the power of mentally cancelling everything else that I do, because otherwise I would just be a body with an illness, and I do not want that.
Lately I have realised that saying ‘I’m busy’ (unless it’s an alibi!) is often just a way of saying ‘I’m doing lots of things, some of which I don’t enjoy, at a pace that doesn’t suit me’, so I’ve stopped saying it.
What are my pleasures? Reading: poetry & graphic novels. The latter, especially, are not for my course, and so they’re a completely fun activity. But to some extent the internet has replaced reading which makes me sad.
This is a good idea, Abigail. Any advice would be much appreciated!
I know I feel better & my life goes better when I engage in self-care, yet it is still a new thing for me & it is the first to go when I get stressed or my schedule gets crazy. My favorite de-stressors are reading & sometimes scrapbooking. I would like to work on doing nothing. This weekend, that was my plan & I did a lot of reading & relaxing which was wonderful. I feel very positive about the weekend, but in addition, I cleaned, did laundry, paid bills, etc. & didn’t JUST relax. I don’t know why even when I’m taking it easy, I feel like I need to do a bunch of chores.
Francesca,
What is “enough” exactly? When we tell ourselves we’re not getting “enough” done, we constantly have this vague, impossible goal hanging over our head, causing stress. You get done what you get done – but what about enjoying some of the things you do, while you’re doing them? Getting them done does not always need to be the focus.
This week, pick one thing that you can let go of in favor of one thing that brings you joy. Don’t pressure yourself about the internet – the more you think you shouldn’t do something, the harder it is to not do it. Allow yourself to be on the internet as much as you want.
Abigail
Michelle,
Hmm, very interesting! Could it be that you can only give yourself permission to relax when you’ve done something productive?
It might be fun to allow yourself to not do something on your chore list next weekend.
This weekend, I did NOT do laundry, even though there were two full baskets of dirty laundry. Instead, I went to lunch with a friend, did lots of relaxing yoga, and read books. Ahhhh!
Abigail
That is a great idea! This morning I realized there was not one thing in my schedule I was looking forward to, so my goal is to change that for tomorrow!
Michelle
I finally forced myself to take a mental health day off from work. It was so freeing to just take a day off for me! Not my husband. Not my children. Just me!! I only did things that I wanted to do for most of the day. No house work. No errands for other people. It was completely different than a weekend. Just a random Thursday. I would recommend this to anyone trying to take better care of themselves. I used to save personal days in case of an “emergency”. My mental health is the emergency!!
Michelle,
Fantastic! Each day needs at least one thing in it that is just for you. Hey, and by the way – remember how I didn’t do the laundry? I can home last night and my husband had done all of it while I was at yoga class. So, WOW! You never know what will happen when you start taking care of yourself!
Abigail
Deb,
You rock! A whole day off! Congratulations! You are SO right – your mental health IS the emergency! Let’s all start taking care of our mental health daily, so that we don’t even get to the emergency state. (Though days off are still fantastic – they’re even more fun when you’re just blissfully following your essential self!)
Abigail
Abigail,
Yay, I introduced a new book?
Anyway, when I need to slow down, I sit outside and appreciate my surroundings. Sometimes I read a book, too, without distractions (no phones!). Sometimes I just listen to music that I feel is right for me in the moment–usually something more relaxing than, say, Nine Inch Nails.
(Whom I love but cannot listen to when I need to unwind.)
Turning the lights down lower at night and/or having some candles lit seems to automatically take the edge off this urge to always be doing something. When it’s darker and you can’t see as well, there’s not much point in trying to write the perfect paper or clean the kitchen to a spotless sparkle.
And if it’s quiet enough, sometimes I just stay busy doing something not physically taxing, but without playing music or listening to the radio or anything, like maybe doing something really easy that doesn’t involve a deadline nor demand perfection. Oh, and sewing can be very relaxing, whether or not I actually get anything done.
These are all the solitary activities. When it comes to other people, that’s a different story. I haven’t quite gotten the hang of saying “no” as much as I should, but I’m getting there! I am self-employed so in that regard it is fairly easy, at least in terms of daily schedules. With family, I have had to try to make it clear that I can’t always be counted on to “do things” for others even when I want to, and apologize but it’s just a necessity. I hope they understand.
One thing I’ve completely given up on is making lists. I might write on a dry erase board a FEW things on the front of the fridge that need attention sometime during the next week or so, but I don’t commit to paper anymore a litany of “must do’s” that I feel anxious about not accomplishing by a certain deadline. That makes for far too much stress.
Also, too much television and radio are just not helpful. I do not need to watch so many other lives or hear so many other opinions (and that goes for the internet as well). It’s just information overload! I let a lot of it go.
Okay, I’m sure this comment is long enough so I’ll stop there.
Gail,
I love hearing about all the things you do for yourself! We share many – I love turning on a reading lamp, lighting a candle, and getting snuggled into bed with a good book. That helps me slowly ease into sleep and feels sublime. I also like to crochet – but I never actually finish any of my projects! It’s just for the heck of it. Love the color of the yarn.
And being outside – that is SUCH a great way to slow down and just be. I love it!
Abigail
I’ve read all the books on self-improvement from Tony Robbins, Pema Chodron, Byron Katie, Tolle, and many more. But if you want a book that simplifies everything in one neat book, that is a quick and easy read, you have to read…”Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work”. You can see reviews and purchase on Amazon.com. Just an FYI.
The ways I try and de-stress are:
Meditation
Jogging
Stretching
I’m not really consistent on these, but I do the best I can. I really don’t think I’m doing enough of them…but I just have to not pressure myself into it as a “have to”.
My downfall is being on the computer too much. But I work at home so it can be difficult.
Dayne,
You have read my favorite list of books! Thanks for the new suggestion! Once you add “working on your thoughts” to your list of self-care items, you might discover things getting a bit easier. Since you work at home, you can even incorporate working on your thoughts into your computer time, or use it as a way to take a break and do it long-hand. (I have a big journal addiction, so I like to write physically when I do thought work.)
Abigail
“Working on your thoughts” is what it is all about I’m finding. But most importantly, not working so to speak, but observing and unattachment to those thoughts.
Abigail, would you equate your healing to that of a towel in knots and what you did was stop thinking about the knots, fearing the knots, etc…but simply working on being present, not fearing, seeing how you were causing your mind/body stress…and then let all that actually loosen those knots (the pain)? In a way, it is like emptying a full glass (our stresses) or dethawing? Just curious.
Your blog is fantastic and your content is top notch! Ever consider adding a message board on your site so you could actually build a community?
They are easy to setup. Just a thought.
Thanks again!
Dayne,
Yes, the unattachment to your thoughts is actually the goal of the “work” on your thoughts. Because when we believe them, we get stuck. When we can be objective, we are able to release them. Observing them is the first step toward being able to untie the first knot in the whole mess of belief systems – which we learn from teachers, parents, peers, religions, etc. We put these belief systems above our own internal wisdom.
Yes, I like your towel analogy. It’s actually easy to see this in actual muscles, too. When I notice my shoulders tightening and my neck muscles creating knots, I go looking in my thoughts. I find the negative ones, then create new, better feeling thoughts. When I do that, I know I’ve hit on the right one when I feel my shoulders drop, my neck loosen, and my breathing deepen. It’s the world’s cheapest massage. Also, this is why thoughtwork makes PT MUCH more effective.
I have thought of adding a message board. Haven’t totally been sure if I could add one more thing to my life!
But I really might do it. Do you think it would be fun, as a reader?
Abigail
HI Abigail! I share your obsession, especially when it comes to MOMS. Why is it so hard for Moms to honor and care for themselves, even when we KNOW we are exhausted and need a break? I think many times it’s our desire to “be good”. It feels noble to put others (especially our children) before us. It feels worthwhile and caters to our need to serve. Over time, I think this can REPLACE our identity so then a fear develops around “who am I if I’m not serving my family/giving to others?” Taking time to ourselves reminds us that we have lost touch with our essential self and that’s just uncomfortable so we’d rather stay in noble-do-good-er land. This is just my theory, I’d love to know what others think. Why is it so hard for some Moms to prioritize themselves?